Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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