Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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