mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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