Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
