So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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