new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
