so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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