I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
