I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
