I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
