i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
