I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
