so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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