My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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