No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
