Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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