Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
