Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
