can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
