im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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