i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
