Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
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Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
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we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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