I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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