I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
