apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
