I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
