Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
