I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
