Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
