well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
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Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
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SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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