I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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