i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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