I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
