dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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