I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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