I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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