How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
