you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
