every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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