My Higher Power is John Stamos
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
