he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
