i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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