cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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