guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I have already put on my inside pants.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
