my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
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I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
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Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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