I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
