My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
