My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
