my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
