I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
