Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
