Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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