this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
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I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
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I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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