I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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