I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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