Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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