somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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