if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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